Elder Dallin H. Oak, a leader of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint said, “Gone is the clumsy and
inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That
call went something like this: ‘What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?’
Or, ‘How about taking a walk downtown?’ Cheap dates like that can be frequent
and nonthreatening, since they don’t seem to imply a continuing commitment.” He
continued by saying, “Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women
to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects.
The old-fashion date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the
opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat
others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities
to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that
happens in hanging out” (2005).
Today, many single adults do a
lot of “hanging out.” Many believe it is an easy way to get to know people because
there is less commitment involved. But
this causes problems. One young woman wrote to Elder Oaks stating that “hanging
out [is] being idle in groups.” This approach puts drawbacks on dating. Hanging
out does not allow people to get to know people on a personal level. There are
no one-on-one experiences in hanging out. It is harder to get married when you
are “hanging out” all the time. Elder Oaks said, “Marriage is not a group
activity – at least not until the children come along in goodly number” (2005).
The purpose of dating is to help
people to eventually get married. Someone cannot get married if they do not go
on dates. Dates do not need to be expensive, but can be simple. Today a date is
defined by the three p’s: planned ahead, paid for, and paired off. Being single
is not always easy, but it should be enjoyed. There are many lessons that can
be learned from being single. Sister Kristen M. Oaks, wife of Elder Dallin H.
Oaks, said, “If you cannot endure the struggles of being single, you will not
be able to endure the pressures of married life” (2007). Life is to be enjoyed.
The lessons learned as a single will assuredly help in the future married life.
Enjoying life through dating and
getting to know lots of different types of people is essential for you to find
what kind of person you are best compatible with. Elder Oaks said, speaking to
the young single men, “Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women,
and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship” (2007). This
is where the real serious dating comes in. When a relationship is progressing
towards marriage, eventually there will be a time when the couple needs to
become exclusive in order to progress towards marriage. Becoming exclusive
creates a necessary change in their relationship of two people.
“Exclusive dating is an important
developmental milestone in a couple relationship that changes the social and
developmental context of the relationship. This transition opens a new social
reality that involves extended families, friends, and others. This transition
should happen with open discussion between the partners and a clear
understanding by both partners that the relationship has entered an exclusive
stage of dating. This transition should not be entered lightly or
unintentionally. Nor should the transition to exclusive dating be rushed” (Carroll,
2012).
Exclusive dating should happen
after spending time getting to know one another better. Elder Richard G. Scott,
a church leader for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints suggested
qualities a single should look for in a potential spouse. “Kindly
understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the
desire to have a family […]” (Holman & Poulsen, 2012). Having these types
of values will create an everlasting relationship that is created through
mature love. A mature love is defined as having a lasting passion, a
commitment, a trust, sharing, and sacrificing to be with and to work with
someone of the opposite sex. Singles need to be the type of person they would
want to marry and then they will find someone who will equate to their expectations.
But they must be willing to do their part.
All relationships begin friendliness, a big smile, eye contact, and
having a confidence (McAllister). Looking approachable will enable action in
dating, otherwise nothing will happen. Sometimes putting oneself out there,
making friends, and dating can be scary.
But that is the only way future spouses can be found. They are not found
by hiding in the background. All singles have to do is try it. Most likely they
will find that they will like friendship dating, serious dating, and end up
happily married to someone they love and trust.
Carroll, J. S. (2012). Young adulthood
and pathways to eternal marriage. (pp. 3-15). Provo, Utah: Brigham Young
University.
Holman, T. B., & Poulsen, F.
(2012). The abcs of successful romantic relationship development meeting,
dating, and choosing an eternal companion. (pp. 16-26). Provo, Utah:
Brigham Young University.
McAllister, S. (n.d.). Navigating
the dating wilderness. Retrieved from http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=175.
Oaks, D. H. (2005, May 1). Dating
versus hanging out. Retrieved from
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=ca5be2270ed6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____
Oaks, D. H., & Oaks, K. M.
(2007, November 4). Push back against the world. Retrieved from
http://www.wasingleadults.org/talks/Push_Back_against_the_World.pdf
